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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28965000">Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_irregular/pseuds/fandom_irregular'>fandom_irregular</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Shattered [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Crying, Don't Like Don't Read, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Gen, Hurt, Possible season 4 spoilers, Some comfort, buckley parents mentioned</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 06:55:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,809</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28965000</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_irregular/pseuds/fandom_irregular</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em><br/>        “Don’t.” Buck growls in his direction, not even bothering to look at<br/>        him, harshly swinging another punch at the moving bag.<br/>    </em>
</p>
<p>    <em>“Don’t what?”</em></p>
<p>    <em></em><br/>        “Say whatever you came here to say. I’m not in a mood for a pep-talk.”<br/>    </p>
<p>    When the Buckley parents come into town, Buck’s world falls apart.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Maddie Buckley</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Shattered [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2161719</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>188</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello, me again, two days in a row. Don't take it as a thing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <strong>WARNING</strong></p>
<p> </p>
<p>After seeing a few theories going around about what we know of season 4, this is what I came up with. It's pretty generic, anybody can add their own interpretation to it, but it may be kinda spoilery.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Punch. Punch.</em>
</p>
<p>Eddie raises his head from the book he’s reading, distracted by the loud thuds coming from the gym. Whoever is at the punching bag must really be in a mood, if every hit can be heard from the loft.</p>
<p>He frowns, as he recalls Buck saying something about a work-out not too long ago.</p>
<p>Eddie throws a look towards the captain’s office, but Bobby looks busy on a phone call, hands waving wildly. He’s going to be busy for a while. Hen is dealing with the restocking of the ambulance, on her own for once, even if Chimney, who has just arrived for the beginning of his shift, will probably soon join in.</p>
<p>The firefighter stands up and goes for the stairs, while trying to recall anything that happened during the shift that may have set Buck off. Nothing really comes to mind, except now that he’s examining the events, Buck’s behavior suddenly seems more of a red flag. One of the sure things of working at the 118 is that Buck will come up with some out-of-the-box idea on how to deal with a specific call. Sometimes his ideas have merit and they go for it, sometimes Bobby decides for some other way.</p>
<p>It’s the way it is.</p>
<p>But Buck today hasn’t really tried anything like that. <em>The day is still long</em>, Eddie tells himself, but he doesn’t manage to convince even himself.</p>
<p>Maybe something happened yesterday?</p>
<p>It was Buck’s day off and for once, it hadn’t ended with a movie night at the Diaz’s house, as Maddie had claimed the younger man for family night.</p>
<p>But usually Buck came back so happy from spending time with his sister and the upcoming addition to the Buckley-Han household that Eddie hadn’t even bothered asking how that had gone.</p>
<p>What he finds in the gym, though, is far away from the usual aura of sunshine that Buck seems to emit when he is in a good mood.</p>
<p>Right at this moment, the mask that the young man had donned throughout the whole day is finally off, with dark clouds surrounding him, darkening his features, clouding his usually bright sky-blue eyes to a more subdued hue.</p>
<p>He steps closer, leaning against the pillar next to the punching bag, trying to think of something to say. He’s stopped right in his tracks.</p>
<p>“Don’t.” Buck growls in his direction, not even bothering to look at him, harshly swinging another punch at the moving bag.</p>
<p>“<em>Don’t</em> what?”</p>
<p>“Say whatever you came here to say. I’m not in a mood for a pep-talk.”</p>
<p>Eddie hesitates. Buck is angry, furious in a way he has never seen before, and he’s not sure he knows how to deal with this.</p>
<p>Still, he has to try.</p>
<p>“I was just wondering if you were trying to emulate Captain America when he breaks equipment in the gym.”</p>
<p>A small smirk appears on the blonde’s face.</p>
<p>“Does that make you Nick Fury? Are you here to give me a mission?”</p>
<p>“Of course I am.” Eddie laughs, glad for the opening “6pm sharp, my house, there is a target that needs to be taken care of. Cuddles and food seems the way to go.”</p>
<p>“Are you in need of cuddles, Eds?” the jab at Eddie’s expense makes him smile brightly for the first time today.</p>
<p>“I obviously meant…”</p>
<p>“Hey, Buckaroo, can I talk to you for a minute?”</p>
<p>Buck’s whole stance freezes, making him miss the next hit and he stumbles for a second, trying to regain equilibrium.</p>
<p>“What do you want Chimney?” he snaps.<br/>
And with one single sentence, all the hard work that Eddie has done since entering the gym falls apart like a house of cards.</p>
<p>“What happened yesterday…” Eddie moves to face the EMT, getting his first clue on the reason behind Buck’s behavior.</p>
<p>But he is not the only one with a reaction.</p>
<p>“Could we not do this now?” Buck interrupts, keeping his eyes on the boxing gloves he is fiddling with.</p>
<p>Chim looks taken aback, for a second, but then keeps going, undaunted, turning away from his target.</p>
<p>“Eddie, could you leave us for a minute? I need to talk to Buck.”</p>
<p>The blonde finally raises his head to look Chimney in the eyes.</p>
<p>“No. Eddie stays.” he says, with a finality that surprises his audience. Still, it doesn’t deter Chimney, who actually takes it as an opening. He moves closer, raising a hand to Buck’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“What your parents said yesterday…”</p>
<p>“Just drop it!”</p>
<p>Eddie finds himself beyond confused. Yes, another piece of the puzzle finally showed up, and taking into consideration that Buck has never mentioned his parents, not even once in the years they’ve known each other, it’s probably the very foundation of the problem.</p>
<p>But Buck is panting right now, as if trying and barely managing to contain the storm that has been running rampage underneath his skin. He looks like he’s losing the fight.</p>
<p>“Buck…”</p>
<p>“Hey…”</p>
<p>Both Eddie and Chim try to say something, but Buck raises his hands while stepping backwards, clearly trying to gain some space.</p>
<p>“No, Chimney. How hard is it for you to understand? Do you think that just because you are dating my sister, it gives you the right to broadcast anything that happens in my life? I have a right to privacy too, you know?”</p>
<p>Neither of his teammates knows how to reply to that.</p>
<p>“What’s going on here?” Bobby’s voice rang loud in the gym, and the three men turn at once to face him. He looks like he is not that impressed with their attitude while in a workplace. “I was coming down to call everybody for lunch…”</p>
<p>Abruptly, Buck pushes past them, towards Bobby, towards the door, in a clear attempt at freedom.</p>
<p>“Nothing Cap. All good. I’m going to take a quick shower, save me something, okay?” and with that, he’s gone.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s been a few days since the “gym incident” and Chimney can still see the aftershocks rippling through the air every time he and Buck are in the same room. It’s not like they are not talking to each other, that would probably be easier. He tried to apologize and Buck had quickly said that everything was fine between the two of them, but a certain edge had never left his voice ever since.</p>
<p>Moreover, something else had happened. He wasn’t sure exactly what, but he had come home the day before to find the Buckley siblings in the middle of a shouting match. He had heard the raised voices from the hallway, which was still better than the heavy silence that had started afterwards. Whatever had been said must have been brutal as both Maddie and Buck were in tears by the time he entered the room.</p>
<p>Buck had then taken his arrival as a good reason to leave, Maddie attached to his heels, trying to stop him, begging him to just listen.</p>
<p>The look that he had thrown her way had stopped her right in her tracks.</p>
<p>Chim had never seen such devastation on his friend’s face, not through months of recovery, not after the tsunami, not during the lawsuit.</p>
<p>He had looked shattered and Chim didn’t have the right tools to put him back together.</p>
<p>None of them did.</p>
<p>The rest of the 118, sans Eddie who was off, had taken notice of the dark vibes emanating from their youngest member, of his missing laughter, of the barely-there presence even when in the same room. Bobby and Hen had tried their hardest at pulling him out of this mood, but Buck had explicitly, and unnaturally formally, told them that he didn’t want to talk about it and that they needed to leave him alone.</p>
<p>They are now all dreading the upcoming end of his shift, the certainty that something is going to snap forever if they leave him alone. They try hard to rally up the morale with offers of a night out drinking at their favorite pub once they are off in a few hours, but Buck again refuses.</p>
<p>That’s when everything gets even worse.</p>
<p>Because Maddie, who knows her brother schedule thanks to Chim, just shows up at the station when he is getting ready to leave. She glides past her boyfriend until she is standing right in front of Buck, with a speed uncommon for a six-month-pregnant woman.</p>
<p>“You and I need to talk.”</p>
<p>He doesn’t even get to reply before she takes him by the hand and guides him to a corner of the parking lot. If he really wanted not to go with her, he is strong enough not to get dragged by somebody a foot shorter than him, so Chimney feels the first rays of hope illuminating the day.</p>
<p>“So, what is actually going on?” Bobby stops next to him, wearing his usual Dad-mode face, a must when dealing with the Buckleys, Hen right at his side, her eyebrows raised high.</p>
<p>“I…” he hesitates. He knows more about the situation than the rest of them, for obvious reasons, but  - one, he only knows the beginning, - two, Buck already told him that he doesn’t want everybody at the station to know his business. He kind of already failed him once, he won’t do it twice. “I really couldn’t say.”</p>
<p>From the faces his colleagues are making, they seem to know exactly the meaning behind his words, without him having to add or hide anything.</p>
<p>There’s nothing he can say next, because their attention is captured by the shouting starting in the parking lot.</p>
<p>
  <em>So much for hope.</em>
</p>
<p>“I was just trying to…”</p>
<p>“Don’t you dare finish that sentence!”</p>
<p>Buck is waving his hands wildly, Maddie is stomping her foot, a mismatched choreography with tension rising coming to a head.</p>
<p>Chimney strides over, not really sure of what he can or even should do, but by the time he’s there, Buck has somehow managed to get into his Jeep, putting a physical barrier as much as an emotional one between himself and the rest of the world.</p>
<p>“Buck, wait, please!” Maddie on her part is almost banging on the car door window, tears streaming once again down her face.</p>
<p>“Just leave me alone!”</p>
<p>The car roars back to life and just like that Buck drives away, leaving them in the dust and silence.</p>
<p>Maddie stands still for a second before almost crumbling to the ground. Her boyfriend is fast in reaching her before she falls. He’s worried that the tension has gotten to her, that she’s putting too much of a toll on herself by doing everything on her own, but she hasn’t fainted, as she quickly turns around to be fully encased in his arms.</p>
<p>He holds her tighter for a moment, before moving to look her in the eyes.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” Hen asks, worry and concern bringing both her and Bobby close to the couple with unmatched speed.</p>
<p>Maddie faintly nods but doesn’t stop crying.</p>
<p>“Please… you need to… somebody needs to talk to him… he doesn’t… he won’t listen to me!” sobs make it hard to understand her but they get it anyway.</p>
<p>There must be something they can do.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie is slowly making his way back home. He usually enjoys his days off, but today has been busy with a lot of chores that he has kept postponing and now he is tired to his bones, the idea of taking a nap forming in his mind.</p>
<p>
  <em>Chris won’t be home for a few hours so…</em>
</p>
<p>He is parking in his driveway, when the loud ringing of his phone interrupts his thoughts.</p>
<p>“Hello?”</p>
<p>
  <em>“Eddie, where are you?”</em>
</p>
<p>Chim’s voice sounds panicked.</p>
<p>“I’m at home, why? Is everybody okay?” his mind is filled with the images of all the trips that the 118 has made to the ER, dread seizing his limbs.</p>
<p>“<em>Yeah, I mean… I don’t…”</em> the EMT is stammering, hesitating and Eddie needs him to hurry up and tell him what’s going on before –</p>
<p>“<em>Pass me the phone.</em>” he hears on the background and then Bobby’s voice, much calmer even if still on edge, gets to him “<em>Hi Eddie. Are you busy?”</em></p>
<p>Some tension slips away. If something <em>bad</em> had happened, Bobby would have gone straight to the point.</p>
<p>“No, do you need me to come in?” his thoughts already drifting to the juggling that he will have to make to get somebody to watch Chris, he almost misses Cap’s next few words.</p>
<p>
  <em>“No, no, we are fine at the station. Do you know where Buck is?”</em>
</p>
<p>He finally exits his car, taking slow steps towards his house.</p>
<p>“No, why?</p>
<p>
  <em>“Listen, something come up with Buck and Maddie and he left the station quite upset. He’s not answering his phone and…”</em>
</p>
<p>“And since I am free…”</p>
<p>His keys jiggle when he goes to open the door.</p>
<p>“<em>Would you mind looking for him?</em>”</p>
<p>“Bobby, of cours…”</p>
<p>The words get stuck in his throat. Because in front of him, sitting with his back to the wall, arms holding himself tight, is Buck.</p>
<p>The younger man flinches at the sound of the grocery bag landing on the floor.</p>
<p>He raises his head and Eddie can see the red, puffy eyes, can hear the labored breathing, almost feels Buck’s body shaking.</p>
<p>“<em>Eddie?”</em></p>
<p>The firefighter shakes himself out of the stupor.</p>
<p>“Yes, Bobby, sorry, bad connection… I’ll look for him and call you if I find him, okay?”</p>
<p>His captain must hear something in his voice, because his tone changes to a calmer, relaxed version.</p>
<p>“<em>Sure, Eddie. Thank you.</em>”</p>
<p>For a moment, only silence fills the room. Then a low whisper reaches Eddie’s ears.</p>
<p>“I didn’t know where else to go.”</p>
<p>The brokenness, the pain, the hurt in his best friend’s voice spring Eddie into action, and he almost launches himself towards his friend, kneeling next to him.</p>
<p>“Buck, I…”</p>
<p>“They told you. Didn’t they?” and again, he sounds so young.</p>
<p>Eddie quickly shakes his head.</p>
<p>“Bobby was just telling me that you left the station after talking to Maddie. That was it.”</p>
<p>Buck looks at him, searching for something in his eyes. Whatever he’s looking for, he seems to find it.</p>
<p>“Oh. Good.” The blond keeps himself to the wall, his hands tightening their grip, knuckles going white on the already pale skin.</p>
<p>“Do you want to talk about it?”</p>
<p>And yes, Eddie is aware that coming from him the sentence is almost hypocritical, as he never liked talking about his issues. But even if Buck had always been one to wear his heart on his sleeve, he wants to offer him the option of leaning on him, not forcing him to.</p>
<p>And when he <em>leans</em> against his shoulder, Eddie knows it was the right choice.</p>
<p>“I… I just… you know that my parents are in town, right?” Buck starts, moving his gaze away, back to the floor.</p>
<p>Eddie hums in confirmation. Everybody had known of the arrival of the Buckley parents in LA, as Chimney had been an anxiety rubber ball bouncing off everyone who had bothered listening to him. And Eddie could guess that whatever had happened was also linked to what Chim had tried to say in the gym not too many days before.</p>
<p>“It’s just that… I… I found out…” and Buck’s hesitant stammer turns into full on sobbing. Eddie doesn’t waste a second and moves, bringing him closer. Buck’s hands grasp his t-shirt, holding onto him, while he hides his face on Eddie’s shoulder.</p>
<p>He feels the shakes wrecking through Buck’s body as he almost comes apart from whatever he had been trying to hold away.</p>
<p>“I’ve got you, it’s okay.” He murmurs, hoping that the message reaches its target.</p>
<p>They stay like this for a while, Eddie hugging him even as the sobs stop.</p>
<p>“I don’t understand…” Buck finally says, shuffling so that he looks at Eddie again. “Why do people keep hiding things from me?”</p>
<p>“Buck….” Eddie is not even sure of what he is trying to say, but it doesn’t matter, as Buck keeps on going like he hasn’t heard him.</p>
<p>“Maddie, I mean… she knew and she didn’t say anything for so long…. But now, now she decides to unburden herself?” he shakes his head, his voice still on the point of breaking, looking at Eddie like he holds all the answers “She told me that she was trying to protect me, but… how does hiding the truth protects me??”</p>
<p>Tears still stream down his face and Eddie for once doesn’t stop himself from trying to dry them out, his hand delicate on Buck’s cheek.</p>
<p>“I don’t understand… why do the people that I love keep lying to me?” he cries out, folding onto himself once again.</p>
<p>Eddie can only hold onto him, bringing him closer.</p>
<p>“I don’t… I don’t know what to do”<br/>
”It’s okay. We’ll figure it out.”</p>
<p>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So... what do you think?</p>
<p>Comments and reviews are always welcome!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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